Q & A with… Rabbi Andrew Hechtman
Divorce is a significant lifecycle reality of our generation, and while there are some faith traditions that deny divorce, like so many other difficult moments, Judaism takes it head on. Our tradition teaches that when people get divorced, even God cries. It’s often sad and painful, and it’s a decision that people should make only with a great deal of thought, but we can help remove some of the guilt and the animus and help people.
Giving a woman a Get is very controversial in our world, but if we understand it, it’s intended as a means of protection for the woman.
Like any other part of modern life, we have to find ways of integrating the traditional so that we’re being true to our heritage and yet making it work for people’s lives. That’s the wisdom of rabbinic Judaism: looking at our traditions and laws, and asking, how do we implement these in ways that will work for people’s lives, because Judaism has such an important place in modern life.
When I work with Jewish couples, I incorporate the Get process into the mediation process so that it’s not an afterthought. I’m currently working with an attorney in Hartford on taking the wisdom of the Get ceremony and creating a secular ceremony to ritualize the moment of divorce for non-Jewish couples we work with. The book, “The Art of Public Prayer: Not for Clergy Only,” by Lawrence Hoffman, discusses the human need for spirituality, and liturgy is the framework by which the expression of spirituality happens.
Genesis 13:8-9 states [in an interpretive translation]: “Let there be no quarrel between us, for we were once family; let us separate gently; if one goes north, may the other go south; if one goes east, may the other go west. May your house be your house, and may my house be my house, and may strife and contentions not rule our hearts.”
How does your work tie in with the upcoming season of Teshuvah?
A: The month of Elul just began, and during this month, we’re taught to be engaged in a process of heshbon nefesh, an accounting of ourselves. I can’t think of a process that touches that essence more than the process a couple goes through to decide to divorce. A big part of Teshuvah involves finding ways of becoming our best selves. I genuinely believe that the ability to sit facing someone with whom you share such intense feelings and, through the process, learn to speak a language that allows you to communicate again – that holds the potential for tremendous growth and healing. We can take divorce, a tremendously difficult situation, and see that it has the potential to become an opportunity where growth and healing can ensue.
How do people find qualified divorce mediators?
A: The Connecticut Council for Divorce Mediation and Collaborative Practice (CCDM) requires that practitioner-members meet specific criteria. People looking for an ADR professional should go to the CCDM website (ctmediators.org) where they will find lots of trained and highly competent psychologists, marriage and family therapists and lawyers throughout the state. They are all committed to helping people survive the trauma of divorce with dignity and the potential for healing.
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