It’s Adar, a time when laughter is practically a commandment!
Here’s a little Jewish humor to help you get in the hilarious spirit of Purim!
SAYINGS OF THE JEWISH BUDDHA
– If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
– Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.
– Accept misfortune as a blessing.
– Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
– The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.
– There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
– Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.
– The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.
– Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
– Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.
– Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.
– Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, “George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Bush asks.
Mahmud replies, “UNITED STATES OF IRAN.”
Bush says, “You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called because, believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Mahmud asks.
“I don’t know,” replies Bush. ”I can’t read Hebrew.”
The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine. “
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.”
The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Mexican says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
THE HOLY SYNAGOGUE
Rabbi Epstein is standing before his congregation ready to give his High Holiday sermon. Unfortunately, he can’t focus on spiritual matters, as the physical ones are more pressing.
“Friends,” Rabbi Epstein begins, “unfortunately, I must report that a massive hole has been found in the roof of the synagogue.
“Now I have good news and bad news for you,” the Rabbi continues. “The good news is that we have the money to repair it; the bad news is that the money is in your pockets.”
WORLD WAR III
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy gave a lecture on military strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, “All indications point to China.”
Everyone in the audience was shocked.
A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, “Just think about this for a moment: In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters, but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently where five million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious.”
After a small pause, yet another officer from the back of the auditorium asked, “Do we have enough Jews?”
TAKE THAT TO THE BANK
Lionel gets a threatening letter from his bank and immediately goes to see his bank manager. “What’s the meaning of this letter?” asks Lionel, angrily.
“We sent you this letter, Mr. Levy, because you didn’t have enough money in your account to cover your recent checks,” replies the manager. “Why didn’t you top up your account first, as you usually do before issuing new checks?”
“I couldn’t,” says Lionel, “because it was a Jewish Holy Day.”
“Mr. Levy,” says the manager, “I’m
surprised because I deal with a lot of Jewish clients and I thought I knew all of the Jewish Holy Days. So which Holy Day are you referring to?”
“Erev Bankruptcy,” replies Lionel.
AHMADINEJAD AND THE PSYCHIC
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”
“Which one?’” Ahmadinejad asks nervously.
“It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it’ll be a Jewish holiday.”
GREEN EGGS AND WHAT?
“Green Eggs and Ham” is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books – but how can Jewish kids appreciate “Green Eggs and…HAM? So — with apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss — here’s a new ending for the story:
Will you never see? They are not KOSHER, So let me be! I will not eat green eggs and ham. I will not eat them, Sam-I-am
But I’ll eat green eggs with a biscuit! Or I will try them with some brisket.
I’ll eat green eggs in a box. If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try, scrambled up in matzo brie!
And in a boat upon the river, I’ll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So, let your friends in on the scoop: Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!