CONVERSATION WITH …Gary Greenberg By Howard Blas Hamden native writes humorous book for new dads Oct 8, 2004 - It is hard to keep a straight face when talking to comedian and author Gary Greenberg - even at 1 a.m. (Connecticut time) on a phone interview on the set of "The Jimmy Kimmel Live" Show, where Greenberg is a writer. Greenberg, who grew up in Hamden and still has strong ties to Connecticut, has appeared on Comedy Central and Bravo. He is also the author for four books, including the national bestseller, "The Pop-Up Book of Phobias," the critically acclaimed "The Pop-Up Book of Nightmares," and "Self-Helpless." His most recent book, "Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads" (Simon and Schuster) was inspired by his wife Jeanne Hayden's pregnancy with their daughter, Madeline, now five years old. His wife also illustrated the book, which is a humorous yet useful look at fatherhood - from the moment of birth through the first year birthday celebration. Greenberg and his family recently moved from Manhattan to Los Angeles for Greenberg's new job on the Jimmy Kimmel show. He recently spoke with the Ledger about his Connecticut roots and his comedic work. Q: Tell us about your involvement in Connecticut Jewish life. A: I grew up in Hamden, and my parents, Neil and Marlene Greenberg, are still members of Mishkan Israel. I had my bar mitzvah there and was confirmed there. My sister and her husband live in New Haven near the Peabody Museum. We always go back for the High Holidays. I attended Camp Laurelwood, and I performed at a benefit for them once. I also performed stand up at the JCC a bunch of times. I had one notorious gig at the JCC right after my daughter as born - I'm sure the Jews of New Haven are still talking about it! It was October 30 or 31 - right around Halloween time. The New Haven Register had just put me on the front page of the Arts section for a book I had written. So there was quite a crowd at the JCC. When I went to walk up on stage, I realized that the stairs were put on wrong! (At first I thought it was because I was a tired dad with a one month old). I decided to jump up on the stage, but I missed….BAM! I hit the hollow stage face first, and it made a big thump. I tried to stand up and collect myself, and I started to do my act. But it wasn't going well. My foot felt squishy, and I saw a puddle near my foot. I had cut my shin open and was bleeding into my shoe! I didn't know what to do. I said, "I'm bleeding. Is there a doctor?" Of course five people come up on the stage! And they tell me to lie down! Because of the coverage in the New Haven Register, a lot of my old friends were there. Even my sixth grade guidance counselor was there! My dad took off his jacket and put it under my head. My mother started taking photos! She said, "It'll be funny someday!" It was like a high school reunion - only an ambulance had to come and take me to the hospital since I had lost so much blood. When they put me on a stretcher and wheeled me down the aisle, I got a standing ovation. It is definitely the most embarrassing story of my life! When I got to the hospital, it was the Saturday night of Halloween - and there were people with axes in their heads and real gun shot wounds. I needed five stitches. My mother still has a bloody program from that night. Q: You recently wrote "Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads." Can you share with us when and how you got the idea for the book, and how you had time to write during that crazy first year of parenthood? How did you decide on the "survival guide" format? A: At about the six month mark of Jeannie's pregnancy, I realized that, if I wanted to keep the kid alive, I should read something. I went to the bookstore and started looking around in the "babies" section and saw there were slim pickings. Either the books were dry and goofy, or they were first hand accounts of fathers - nothing funny and with good information. I said, "My sensibilities are not represented here." When Madeline was born nearly five years ago, I started writing down all sorts of funny things on scraps of paper - like baby proofing techniques, and tethering things to the baby so they won't get lost. I stuffed all of those pieces of paper into manila envelopes. When Madeline was three, I got it going. I took all the notes, and began to interview other dads - either friends, or friends of friends, or dads through new fathers networks. How did I choose the "Boy Scout" manual format? I was a Cub Scout in Hamden and I was always fascinated with Scout books. And my wife always had a fondness for the 50's and for the1950's style. So we thought, "Why not create a book like a wilderness guide?" You'll notice in the acknowledgements, we thank our daughter, Madeline Greenberg, who was a great sport during the nine months we neglected her in order to write a parenting book! Q: How do you and your wife divide child care responsibilities? A: Until this job, it was 50/50. Since we were both freelancers, we both had the luxury of choosing our hours. When Madeline was born, I was doing a lot of stand-up comedy, and my "Book of Phobias" had just come out. Now, my work hours are very long, and my wife is doing more of the child care. Q: Do you have a favorite part of the book? A: I like different parts for different reasons. I love the first two pages - "what your baby will look like." (Note: there is a picture of a newborn with such parts labeled as: "puffy, bloodshot eyes, cone-shaped head from squeezing through the womb, etc.") I like "the first month slump," where there is a picture of a dad's mind and a baby's mind - it sums up the reality of what it is like being a new dad. Both are staring at each other, pensively. The baby is thinking: "feed me, change me, non-specific angst, and comfort me," while dad is thinking nine separate thoughts, including "this baby can't be mine, my life is over, I'll go broke and we'll all be homeless, I can't handle the responsibility, etc." Q: Can you explain the "five second rule?" and can you tell us about the "decoy drawer." A: The "five second rule" states that if the baby drops something on the ground and you pick it up within five seconds, it is not officially dirty. However, once you have passed the five second mark, washing becomes necessary. We had a couple of pediatricians make sure it was completely safe. The decoy drawer is a way to make sure your baby doesn't take or break your cell phone, beeper, PDA and universal remote. You can create a decoy drawer full of old phones, beepers, PDAs, remotes, wallets, keys, credit cards, wallets and VHS tapes. The drawer should be at a good baby height and all items need be real but non-functioning. That way, when the baby opens the drawer, he'll think he's hit the mother lode. But this deception won't work unless you sell the fake. Every time the baby goes into the drawer, you've got to give him a look of reproach that reassures him that he's doing something strictly off limits. Q: If you were living in Connecticut with a baby/young child right now, where would you take him/her to play and explore? A: The Peabody Museum is great, and the Mystic Aquarium. I have a chapter on "Great Outings - 7-9 months," where I suggest the race track (maybe the dog track in Connecticut!), book store, car wash, Laundromat and dog run. There are many possibilities with young kids. They like things that are shiny and noisy. Try "Happy Hour" if it is smoke-free! Comments? Email editorial@jewishledger.com