The role of parents when their child divorces
By Patricia D’Ascoli

Westport writer Marsha Temlock has been married for 42 years, but she knows the pain of divorce first hand.  When her two sons were divorced from their wives (with whom Temlock was quite close) her world was turned upside down.  Unfortunately, at the time, there were no written resources for parents of divorcing children.  Temlock, who worked for many years in social and psychological services, felt sure there was a market for such a book, and as a result of her experiences and as a way to help others, she wrote, “Your Child’s Divorce: What To Expect…What You Can Do.” 
The author spoke candidly about her personal experiences as a catalyst for the book.
“There is a terrible feeling of loss when your family disassembles,” Temlock remarked during a recent interview, noting that parents are invariably drawn into their child’s divorce in one way or another.
“Parents feel powerless because they don’t know what their role is,” she added. .
Published in September, “Your Child’s Divorce” helps parents stay grounded through the emotional upheavals they will undergo during and after their child’s divorce.  Temlock’s book essentially provides a five stage model of the divorce process: 1) Accepting the News; 2) Rescuing your Child; 3) Responding to Changes; 4) Stabilizing the Family; and 5) Refocusing and Rebuilding.  And in her heartfelt introduction, Temlock makes five compelling promises to readers: 
1) Parents can help keep the family together even in the midst of divorce;
2) Parents can strengthen their relationship with their child during and after a divorce;
3) Parents can be instruments of family renewal and regeneration;
4) Parents can and must be role models for their children and grandchildren who, unfortunately, carry forward the divorce legacy;
5) Parents can hasten their own recovery as they make this journey with their divorcing child.
The author, who left her position at the Family and Children’s Center in Norwalk two years ago to focus on her writing full-time, related that she interviewed a number of parents about their experiences and has included these stories in her book to offer different perspectives on how to handle various problems.  Temlock noted that most parents want to help their child through all of the different issues that come up during the divorce journey, but may not always know the best way to do this.  Sometimes helping can even do more harm than good. 
“When you become embroiled in your child’s divorce and you are too helpful, you are not allowing that adult child to regroup and really take on the responsibility that he or she needs to take for him or herself,” Temlock explained.  She also pointed out that parents need to be aware that the parent child relationship often regresses as a result of the divorce, especially when adult children come back home to live.
As a grandmother, Temlock is particularly concerned about how divorce can affect the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren, and considers how to heal strained relations with the former daughter-in-law who has the children.  She says that above all, it is important to be civil.  After all, there will be many events in the lives of the grandchildren where all of the grandparents will be present.
“There’s a way for grandparents on both sides to build bridges,” Temlock remarked.
The author believes that grandparents should make their home neutral territory and provide continuity for the children so that they will feel secure.  Temlock sees herself as the family historian who will someday help her grandchildren remember the happy times of their parents’ marriage.  She also wants to be part of the new history if her grandchildren’s mother remarries.  
Temlock hopes that her book will be made available by family therapists, divorce attorneys and mediators as well as others who are connected with senior citizens.  Although she had to go through her own children’s divorces without the benefit of a helpful resource, she is glad that she can help other parents on their journey.  As a parent, she knows that in the end, it comes down to a basic tenet of parenthood n that no matter what, we must show support and unconditional love for our children. 
		 
Marsha Temlock will be at Barnes & Noble, 1076 Post Road East, Westport, on Oct. 19 at 7 p.m. to sign copies of “Your Child’s Divorce.”  
       
       
Patricia D'Ascoli is a freelance journalist and book reviewer who writes for a number of Connecticut publications.  She also publishes Connecticut Muse, a literary newsletter that features Connecticut authors and includes book reviews and author interviews.  Her website is www.connecticutmuse.com.