Q & A: Dr. Laura Arens Fuerstein Hidden messages are often passed from mother to daughter, says noted psychoanalyst. By Judie Jacobson WESTPORT - Dr. Laura Arens Fuerstein has worked as a certified psychoanalyst and couples therapist for over thirty years and is an expert in treating many different women's issues such as: sexuality, body-image, eating disorders, self esteem, violent relationships and the mother-daughter relationship. The author of a newly released book, "My Mother, My Mirror: Recognizing and Making the Most of Inherited Self-Images" (Harbinger Publications), identifies and examines some of the hidden messages and signals often passed unconsciously (sometimes through generations of women) by mothers, to daughters, that often affect a developing girl's concept of herself, which influences her adult choices, behaviors, and fulfillment. The Ledger spoke recently in advance of her appearance at the Stamford JCC - and Mother's Day.
Q: What prompted you to write this book? A: I am a psychoanalyst, psychoanalytic therapist, and couples therapist, and have worked with many male and female patients throughout 33 years of clinical practice. I have had numerous professional articles published during that time, and wanted to shift from academic to creative writing, so I began that process and worked with a writing instructor who asked me to journal daily. I'd thought I'd write about fathers and daughters, when, one day, she noticed a pattern in my journal about my mother and me. So I thought, okay, it circles back to the primal relationship. My mother had died around the time that I began the process, and feelings had opened up in me that I hadn't fully touched so many years before during my therapy for my analytic training. At the same time I was working with a patient I call Jenny, whom I describe in my book. She viewed herself as unattractive because of her "wide nose" that her mother had focused her on. As she spoke, I thought of myself as a child in one of the distorted fun house mirrors, going from that to the truer mirror, back and forth. I said to Jenny, "You know those ripply mirrors at the amusement park? It's like you're seeing yourself in one of those. I call it a carnival mirror. You have a carnival mirror self-image." And when we explored Jenny's mother's view of herself, it was distorted too, because she was attractive like her daughter, and her mother had made her feel unattractive because of her large hips and small breasts that her mother criticized. As I continued with the writing, my feelings about my mother's own self-image emerged more clearly. One side of her self-image was in the carnival mirror - she needed to gain a certain kind of approval from my grandmother to feel good about herself. But another side was in the truer mirror - her way with design and color. I recognized how she'd passed along both sides of her self-image to me - and how my patients, like Jenny, had inherited their mothers' distorted and truer self-images, which sparked the theme of my book. Q: Why does your book focus on the role of the mother in a woman's self-perception? Haven't we moved away from blaming mom? A: The mother-daughter relationship is uniquely intense, among all the other family pairs, because mother and daughter share the same gender, anatomy, hormones, and cultural influence. And the mother is usually the primary caregiver. So in order for the girl to become a separate individual, she has a special challenge that a son doesn't have. Because of that bond, it is easy for the mother's unconscious views of herself to be passed along to her daughter - unwittingly. That's why it's not about blame. The mother can't help what happens because the passage from mother to daughter occurs without her awareness. Q: How does a woman begin to repair the distorted self-image she's inherited? A: I show in my book how to enter the journey of change. You begin with discovery of whether you're discontented with your life consistently - thwarted, bored, returning to harmful relationship patterns, unable to blossom at a new endeavor, etc. Then you ask yourself questions about whether you have a Carnival Mirror self-image - I have examples of those in the book. From there, you can travel through the five thought links, a self-reflective process I present that leads to a shift from the distorted mirror to the truer mirror. In the early phase you separate out your own self-image from your mother's. In the middle phase you uncover buried feelings about her. And in the last phase you apply the insights you've gained and the feelings you've connected with, to change moments in daily life when your distorted self-image hinders you. Q: There is perhaps no mother as stereotyped as the "Jewish mother" - known widely as a smothering, overbearing, guilt-inducing mother. Where do you think this came from and do you believe this stereotype can be harmful? A: I actually believe, that as with many stereotypes of mothers (Irish mothers are supposedly "more distant", Italian mothers "infantilizing", etc.), men have created them because of their deeper anxieties about being pulled back to their early mothers and showing any neediness. It's easier to stereotype, which is a sign of fear deep down, than it is to admit that on some level they'd love to return to the womb, just as all humans do at times in their lives. Laura Arens Fuerstein will speak at the Stamford Jewish Community Center, 1035 Newfield Ave. on May 18 at 7 p.m. To RSVP and for more information call (203) 322-7900. For more on Dr. Fuerstein's book visit www.mymothermymirror.com